I’ve heard so many talks on empathy that never fully resonated with me. I always felt the concept of being empathic was a little elitist, like a gift you bestowed upon someone. ‘I recognize your feelings and am showing you that I can be understanding.’

Being empathic can make someone feel better, but it doesn’t establish a connection or breed deep trust. Perhaps empathy is good enough for momentary or surface level understanding, but it will only last until the next disagreement. There is no doubt that trust is key in any organization or relationship. Aren’t teams merely a collection of relationships?

High functioning crews have deep levels of trust; members can say anything, disagree, have conflict, but ultimately they respect and value one another. So where does this come from? Let’s explore the realm of vulnerability.

I heard long ago that it was important to know your superpower, to figure it out as early in your career as possible. One of mine is change. I fully embrace it. I love the challenge of bringing it to organizations, and I love that cultural change is one of the hardest things to accomplish. Change takes leadership and I have learned you cannot lead someone you haven’t established a connection with.

You can be a great manager with empathy, but it takes an aspect of vulnerability to be a leader. Last time I checked, people would rather be led than managed.Change – of any kind – makes you vulnerable; that’s why so many hesitate to embrace it.

One of my favorite TED Talks is from Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has conducted years of analysis on vulnerability. This research has changed the way she loves, lives, works and parents. Vulnerability is the courage to share your own stories, as she says “lean into the discomfort” knowing (NEWSFLASH) that none of us are perfect.

I have done a fair amount of speaking on leadership, team building, and being an agent of change, which often results in getting asked for one takeaway piece of advice. It is always to be vulnerable, at work and at home.

Being vulnerable brings down defenses. It is nearly impossible to be angry with someone who is risking hurt and embarrassment to share a raw version of who they really are. As Ms. Brown puts it, a willingness to be the first who says ‘I love you’ shows you are invested in the relationship.

This works in the workplace just as well. Imagine you are in a conflict with someone in the office; perhaps they didn’t deliver on a deadline that affected your team. Empathy would involve a conversation of “I am disappointed but I see your point of view, and will deal with the resulting impact.”

You may feel pretty good after that conversation, vindicated in being upset, but how has your relationship improved with that person? It probably hasn’t… it may have even gotten worse because you branded them with the mistake.

Now let’s take that same situation, where a leader asks instead, “The team is concerned about you. Can you help me understand what was happening that lead to missing the deadline?” Their answer is not an excuse when it comes from an honest place, and now a connection begins to form.

After this discussion, maybe you learned a little more about one another. He/she doesn’t have to be your new life partner, but maybe there is more respect than before. This is true vulnerability and it takes courage. It doesn’t mean sharing every detail of your home birth or that super embarrassing moment at the bar; it should be used with discretion. Pick and choose whom you are vulnerable with in order to build stronger connections. You can be both vulnerable and professional – they are not mutually exclusive.

Change takes risk. The heart of risk is vulnerability; it may work out, it may not, but at least you put it out there, took the leap of faith. It’s important to remember we don’t live or work on an island. We have this bizarre glorification of doing things on our own, without help from anyone. Leaders know that their teams are incredibly imperative to the success of their organizations; I know that my team is vital to the success of Big Brothers Big Sisters of Orange County. Asking for help is the most important aspect of vulnerability that all leaders must embrace.

I truly believe that any conflict or disagreement can be resolved with a giant spoonful of vulnerability. People work harder for those they respect, and they respect those that they like. Being vulnerable is a way to humanize yourself as a leader, connect with your team, and promote growth in your organization.

If you’re interested in learning more about Big Brothers Big Sisters of Orange County, please visit www.OCBigs.org.